i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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