I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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