Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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