Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
