so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
