I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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