he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
