Pappa wants mamma naked
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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