my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
