I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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