At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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