you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
