Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
