I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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