Even the bartender felt bad for me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
