I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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