I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
birth control should be required to get into college
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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