i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
