I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
