and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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