Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
