my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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