My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
