If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
