he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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