the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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