I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
