Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
