i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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