Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
