Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize