The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
