The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
