Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
