never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Drunk is not a location!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
