Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
