"it" just moved
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
