Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
