break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
