one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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