Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
