Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
