you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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