Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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