Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
