i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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