I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
