Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
