What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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