I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
