I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
