ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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