I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
