I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize