i don't plan on having that self control this summer
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
