The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
