I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
