How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
