1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
