my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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