I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
