On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
